The Panty Smasher


You know those songs that come on Top 40 Radio? The ones that you hear the guy singing and all you can think is “Fuck you buddy. You are an asshole. You are the worst”. They’re the kind of songs that have no real substance, but the guys singing is so sultry and so sweet that it makes your teeth hurt like you just bit into a spoonful of sugar.

The problem is that, as a male, I know that these songs are nothing but throwaway pop garbage. But these songs aren’t written for me, the male… They’re written specifically for women, and the reason I know that is because every time one comes on the radio I can hear the splashing of female orgasms all around me. One Direction comes on and suddenly I’m wading in a shallow pool of bodily fluids. I understand why guys write these songs… it’s for the pussy! And you can’t knock the hustle. Ghandi said that. Don’t believe me? Fuck you.

The real problem is that these songs are ruining all my shoes. I’ve had to start wearing a wetsuit under my clothes and keeping a snorkel in my backpack, because one day Usher is going to write a panty smasher so effective that it’s gonna feel like Hurricane Katrina in the cities of America, and I do NOT want to be the one that the Red Cross is fishing out of a gully.

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