Suicide Dog

My dog tried to commit suicide the other day. He had been home alone a lot, and Maisie and I have been working more and more lately. He was finally so distraught over it that he attempted to take his own life. He got ahold of a bottle of eyedrops (which everyone knows are dog poison), tore it open and drank the contents. I imagined what he might say as he readied himself to cross over to the other side. I guess probably “Bark!” or “Woof!”

Fortunately he’s still with us. He pulled through, thank god. I don’t know what I’d do if there was no one there to fart in my face or step on my balls in the morning while I’m sleeping.

He’s on a long road to recovery now, but I have hope that he is ready to experience a full and happy life again. When I asked him what the future held for him, he said “Bark!”. It almost brought me to tears. He then continued begging for my pepperonis and shitting on my bathroom floor. What a rascal!

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